


Free From the Past

by TherapyBard



Series: Bad Things Happen Bingo [3]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Caleb Widogast Deserves Nice Things, Caleb Widogast Needs a Hug, Caleb Widogast-centric, Execution, Fjord Needs a Hug (Critical Role), Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Jester Lavorre is a Good Friend, Love Bombing, Nott | Veth Brenatto Needs a Hug, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Self-Loathing Caleb Widogast, Sickfic, Starvation, That episode of talks machina made me do it, That isn't a tag yet but it should be, Very dark very fast, Warning: Trent Ikithon, past emotional abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:29:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26795164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TherapyBard/pseuds/TherapyBard
Summary: Talking is the first step towards healing.Six conversations Caleb had on the trip from Nicodranas to the peace negotiations about his training under Trent Ikithon.
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett & Caleb Widogast, Caduceus Clay & Beauregard Lionett, Caduceus Clay & Caleb Widogast, Caleb Widogast & Yasha, Fjord & Caleb Widogast, Jester Lavorre & Caleb Widogast, Jester Lavorre & Yasha, Nott | Veth Brenatto & Caleb Widogast
Series: Bad Things Happen Bingo [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1942036
Comments: 41
Kudos: 239
Collections: Bad Things Happen Bingo





	1. Jester Lavorre

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caleb gets sick right before the team is about to leave for the peace negotiations. They still let Caleb come on the condition that Jester looks out for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Flashbacks, past child abuse, vomiting.
> 
> For the Bad Things Happen Bingo Prompt "Bundled up in Blankets"

Caleb hadn’t meant to get sick, though people rarely have a say in the matter. At least this time it seemed to just be a minor cold. If all went well, he could potentially play it off. The sneezes were just allergies. He felt tired from working all night. He had hundreds of lies prepared for situations like this. Unfortunately, there was no going back from Veth catching him throwing up out the window the morning they were supposed to leave for the peace negotiation.

“Caleb!” She ran over and helped him sit down in a nearby chair. “What happened? Are you okay?”

“Ja, I am fine.” He shook his head in a vain attempt to free his mind from the fog that was slowly taking hold. “I am… I am merely…”

“You’re not merely anything. You’re sick!” Caleb flinched at the, admitibly true, accusation. “Stay here. I’m gonna go get you some water and tell everyone what’s up.” He made a grab for her hand but wasn’t fast enough. He slumped back in the chair and closed his eyes.

_ “Do you think the enemy will see your sickness and show mercy? No! They will only strike harder. I will do the same.” _

Caleb summoned Frumpkin and hugged his furry friend to his chest. Veth returned minutes later with Fjord in tow. “Okay, I see what you mean.” Fjord pulled up a chair to sit in front of Caleb. “You okay enough to talk?”

“Ja.” He fought to keep his eyes open as he scratched Frumpkin on the chin.

“Are you going to be well enough to get on a boat today? I don’t want you to get seasick on top of whatever this is.”

Frumpkin poofed away and Caleb sat up straight, adjusting his clothes to appear more presentable. “Ja, of course. It’s normal to, um, to feel worse in the morning and get better as the day goes on. I’ll be okay.”

“You sure about that?”

“Of course. There has just been a lot of, ah, homework as of late. I’ll be okay soon enough.”

“Hmm…” he turned his attention to Veth. “What do you think?”

“Well, we both know that Caleb is really smart, but he’s also kinda an idiot when it comes to taking care of himself. I remember I pretty much had to force feed him sometimes when-”

“Veth!” Caleb tried not to think of the days early in their travels, weak from his time in jail and certain his new goblin friend would abandon him.

“Sorry, but it’s true. Anyway, I don’t want to keep him from the negotiations or Traveler Con, but someone should keep an eye on him. He’s never gonna get better if he keeps staying up all night working on ‘homework’.”

Fjord raised an eyebrow. “Are you volunteering? You’re going to temporarily give up your duties as the Powder Monkey?”

“No! I mean… Of course, I’ll do anything if Caleb needs me to.”

“Hey-o,” Beau said from the doorway. “You guys gonna be ready to… Woah, what happened to you, man?”

“Nothing has happened.” Caleb flinched at the rough sound of his own voice. He took a big sip of the water Veth brought for him and splashed a little bit on his face. “We’ll be ready to go soon.”

“Bullshit.” She turned to Fjord. “What’s going on, Cap?”

“He’s not feeling well, but we think he should still be able to come with us. We just need someone who can make sure he’s resting.”

Veth nodded solemnly and put a hand over her heart. “I volunteer to temporarily give up my duties as the Powder Monkey in order to-”

Beau rolled her eyes. “Calm down. Jester can do that. You keep doing your monkey thing.”

“But Jester is the carpenter,” Fjord pointed out.

“You really expect her to do her job? Anyway, we’ve already got Gallan. She’d rather be on ‘make sure Caleb doesn’t work himself to death’ duty.”

Caleb stood up, shaky legs hardly managing to keep him upright. “There’s no need for that. I am already apparently not allowed to help out on the ship. I don’t want to hold up anyone else as well.”

“You don’t really have a job on the ship anyway, so it’s not much of a loss.” She put an arm around his waist to support him. “Let’s go before everyone sails without us.”

* * *

Caleb sat at a desk far below deck tinkering with the silencing collar from the Happy Fun Ball. ‘This contraption can make any sort of verbal magic impossible. I need to somehow figure out how-’ He sneezed and pain overtook his head once more. He allowed himself the small comfort of resting his head on the cool table. ‘Focus, Widogast.’

“I’m baaaack!” Jester announced. Caleb hurriedly sat up to see her smiling behind him with two bowls. “I’ve got so- Hey!” She put the bowls down and grabbed the collar. “I’m supposed to stop you from doing this, you know. This is rest time.”

He began rubbing his right forearm as he attempted to regain control over his vision. ‘Surely Jester has no reason to cast Invoke Duplicity right now.’ “Can I at least read while I eat?”

“Ugh, fine!” She grabbed her bowl and sat down on a nearby hammock. “But I’m watching you.” She stared at him unblinking as she took her first bite. 

Shuttering, he picked up one of his books and began reading. At least, he tried to. Words blended together and he found himself needing to track his progress with his finger or else his eyes would become hopelessly lost. He’d initially planned on allowing himself one bite per completed paragraph, but at his current pace Jester would surely take the book away in minutes.

Upon completing the meal, he sorrowed to discover that he’d only managed to make it through three pages. Jester collected the bowls and put them outside the door. “Nap time?” She asked.

“Nein, ich habe noch mehr zu tun.” He stared at Jester’s look of confusion for a few moments before realizing he had spoken in Zemnian. “I am-” A series of sneezes cut him off.

Jester put her hand on his forehead. “You’re really hot, you know. You should sleep if you want to get better.”

“I am fine, my friend.” Fighting against the pounding in his head, he reached for his private notebook. ‘If I am not able to get anything else done today, at least let me do this.’

“Caayyyleeeb! No! This is probably why you got sick in the first place. If you’re sick, you take a nap. That’s, like, basic self care.” 

Caleb ignored her pleading and began to write. Before he could finish a single word, a hand reached forward and snatched the book away from him.

_ “What is this?” Master Ikithon asked, ripping the pages he’d been transcribing a new spell onto off his desk. “Your classmates are pages ahead of you.” _

_ “I’m sorry, I am… I told you before, I-” _

_ “Excuses. The world will not wait for you to get better. I know it is hard for you, but you must learn to power through illness, or your weakness will be your downfall.” _

_ “I know this, Master. It is only that the words are blurred to me. That is slowing my progress, but I am doing my best. Perhaps I could-” Master Ikithon slapped him across the face, sending him plumbing onto the ground. The headache, terror, nausea, and dizziness took over Bren’s last bit of self control, causing him to vomit all over the classroom floor. _

_ “I expected better of you. Come. It seems you require a more fitting punishment in order to drive this lesson home.” Master Ikithon dragged Bren to his feet. The trembling teenager looked to his friends for help, but expected none. No one dared to defend one another against punishment, not since the first time. Never again. “Bren will come back later to clean up the mess he has made. Let the stench of it serve as punishment for the two of you. You have allowed your classmate to grow weak. As I have said before, a team is only as strong as its weakest member. I hope you will not need another reminder of that after today.” _

* * *

Jester didn’t know what to do when Caleb flung himself off his chair in fright. He now sat shivering on the ground mumbling the same Zemnian phrases over and over. “Es tut mir Leid.” “Ich werde härter arbeiten.” “Vergib mir, Meister.”

“What do I do?” Jester almost ran out the door to find Veth when Caleb started to scratch at his arms. “No, don’t do that!” She knelt in front of him and took his hands in hers. She’d seen that glassy look in his eyes many times before when he’d go catatonic, but never before had she seen tears flow from them at the same time. It broke her heart. “It’s alright, Caleb. It’s alright. No one’s gonna hurt you. Icky Thong isn’t even on this trip.” 

Although he showed no sign of acknowledging her words, she continued speaking generic words of comfort until he stopped mumbling and his breathing slowed to a normal pace. His eyes began to drift closed until he eventually fell asleep. Jester realized her hands had started shaking almost as much as Caleb’s whole body was. She took a couple deep breaths and wiped tears from her eyes.

“Hey. Fjord wanted me to check on… What happened?” 

Jester looked over her shoulder to see Yasha standing in the doorway. “I don’t know, but he got really scared and I’ve never seen him like that before. Well, technically I have but he was never crying or saying things in Zemnian or scratching himself and I don’t know what to do.”

Yasha stepped into the room to get a better look at their wizard. “He’s shivering. Is he cold?”

“I think so, but he wasn’t letting me help him before so I don’t really know what he needs.”

“Here.” Yasha picked Caleb up and laid him out on the hammock. “I’ll go get some extra blankets. You stay with him and make sure he’s alright.”

Jester nodded. She sat down and anxiously waited for her to return. Any other day she would have needed to fight off her mischievous instinct to read Caleb’s secret book, but now, seeing him shiver with tears streaming down his cheeks, the thought never even occurred to her.

* * *

Caleb found the embrace of many soft blankets quite comforting, despite his normal disdain for feeling restrained. He would have attempted to fall back asleep had it not been for the sound of someone singing. It was a lively voice, not quite suited for a lullaby but perfectly suited for Jester. Ignoring his piercing headache, he opened his eyes. The woman in questions sat in a nearby chair doodling. “Hallo,” he mumbled.

“Oh!” She ran over to him, setting her book down on the desk along the way. “You’re awake! I was worried ‘cause you started acting all weird and saying things in Zemnian and shivering and stuff. I thought you were cold so I got a bunch of blankets. Well, Yasha got them, technically, but I’ve been with you this whole time so I win.”

Memories of the last time he’d been awake came back and he groaned. “I am sorry, my friend. I had not meant to scare you like that. Yasha saw me, too?”

“Yeah. She was really worried and wanted to stay but I was like ‘You know he’s weird about this sort of stuff. I’m on Caleb watch duty. You go do whatever you’ve gotta do.’ I think I’ve been doing a good job.” She grabbed a cup of tea from the table. “Caduceus brought this down earlier. It’s pretty cold now, but you should be able to fix that, right?”

“Ja, of course. Thank you.” With the help of Jester, he sat up and took the cup in his left hand. He lit a small flame in his right and put the cup over it for a few moments. “I am feeling much better, though I admit I still have a small headache.”

“See? I’ve been telling you to take a nap this whole time and you were like ‘No, I must work on my weird collar thing and read and work on whatever I’m doing in my weird book thing.’”

He took a sip of his tea. The warm liquid did wonders for this scratchy throat. “Speaking of my ‘weird book thing’, may I have that back.”

“Yep!” She almost tossed it to him before thinking better of it and handing it over. “Don’t worry, I didn’t read it.”

He smirked. “I think this is the first time you have been anywhere near one of my books and didn’t draw a dick in the margins.”

“Well, that’s not much fun when you’re sleepy and sad. By the way, I’m sorry for making you freak out. I don’t know what I did to make you act all weird like that, but I knew you were kinda already upset so I should’ve been more careful.”

He sighed and looked down at the pile of blankets on top of him. “I do not wish for you or any of our other friends to walk on eggshells around me. It is my fault for not… I am a very paranoid man, but even I am not delusional enough to believe that you mean me harm.”

“Yeah, of course not, but you were doing that thing you do sometimes when you burn someone where you freeze and don’t really react to us, except this time you were reacting to something else.”

“Ja, I was… remembering. That is all.” He took another sip. “You know, I-”

“Was it Trent?” He flinched. “Sorry, but was it?”

“Um… Ja. It is always him, isn’t it?” He laughed. “It has been sixteen years, and yet his hold on me has never completely left.”

“Well, yeah. He did a lot of really bad things to you and you never talk about it or anything. Of course it’s gonna affect you sometimes.” She tentatively took his hand in hers. “Do you want to talk about it now?”

“Ah, I… Um…” He closed his eyes. “I suppose you deserve an explanation more than anything else.”

“Only if you want to.”

“Ja, I… I want to. It’s just… I rarely talk about this so when I do words are hard. Let me just…” He took a deep breath. “Getting sick was… tricky with Trent. While it was hard to make our training truly immersive, he did his best. Part of that was not holding back when one of us fell ill. Our enemies would not show us mercy, so why should he? If anything, he would be harsher. We need to give everything we have to the empire. We cannot afford to be weak and useless. Being sick makes you a liability, and being a liability meant punishment.”

“What kind of punishment?”

He finished the rest of his tea, welcoming the burning sensation down his throat. “That hardly matters now. You understand my, ah, overreaction better now, ja?”

She didn’t respond at first, instead taking his empty cup and putting it on the table. Then, without warning, she pulled him into a hug. “I’m sorry. I know it’s hard to talk about, but I think you should. I don’t want to accidentally make you scared again.”

“As I said before, I don’t want the team to feel any need to be careful around me. It is not your job to concern yourself with my… episodes.”

She let go and booped him on the nose. “Too bad, cause I’m doing it anyway. Seriously, though, you’ve told us so much about your training, but I still feel like we don’t really  _ know  _ anything. How much do we still not know?”

“As I have told you before, it was cruel. That’s the only detail you need.”

“I mean, we don’t really  _ need  _ to know anything. I still want to know. You probably don’t think so right now, but I think you will feel loads better if you talk to us more about this stuff. I always felt better about the mean girls back home after I talked to the Traveler about it. We would turn it into a game sometimes to make it easier for me. Do you wanna try that?”

He gave her a small smile. “No, but thank you for the offer.”

“Okay, a challenge then. How about… you need to tell everyone else one bad thing about your training that you haven’t told anyone else by the time we make it to the negotiations.”

“Jester, I don’t think-” He yawned. Despite his nap, his body still demanded more rest. It was only then that he realized the time: one AM. ‘Did Jester really stay up this late for me?’ “I will consider it, but no promises. For now, I think I need to sleep. You should sleep, too.”

“Oh, right. Didn’t mean to keep you up.” He layed back down as she put out the lights. “I’ll be in the room left of this one. Send Frumpkin if you need me.”

“Ich werde. Danke.” 

Sleep came to him effortlessly. Right before the last of his consciousness left, he felt a hand pet his hair. “You don’t need to be useful for me, Caleb. I’ll always be here for you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!


	2. Fjord Stone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fjord and Caleb share stories from their past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Starvation as punishment, very mild allusion to self harm  
> For the Bad Luck Bingo Prompt "Denied Food As Punishment"

Caleb didn’t exactly have a gameplan when he approached Fjord on the deck their third day at sea. He’d been thinking a lot while confined to bed rest the previous day, mostly about his fellow team members. It gave him the time to realize just how grateful he was for all of them. They knew his history, at least the basics of it, and still tolerated his presence. More than that, they made him feel welcome. Everyone was more than willing to lend him some gold or watch his back in battle. Sure, they’d occasionally joke about him being squishy, but no one ever treated him lesser for it. It was just another factor to consider while fighting.

Even when Caleb fell unconscious minutes after demonstrating his untrustworthiness by stealing that scroll, they didn’t leave him behind. Fjord, who’d just held a blade to his throat, rightfully so, didn’t leave him behind. Caleb couldn’t understand why. He also knew he couldn’t just ask, so he pondered the thought as well as hundreds of others as the second day of their journey went by.

Perhaps that was why he walked up to Fjord, to find answers. Maybe he just wanted to say thank you, or assure him he was doing a good job. Either way, there was no going back once the Captain saw him. “Hello. It’s good to see you out of bed.”

“It is good to be out of bed, my friend. I wished to speak to you, if you don’t mind.”

Caleb went on to praise Fjord’s growth as a person and as a leader. Fjord humble accepted the compliments and spoke more about his growth from his perspective. Caleb was glad to hear Fjord felt more comfortable now. He began to feel comfortable as well. That must have been why, when the conversation turned to his people, he had a strange desire to tell Fjord his secret. He’d considered this before. His friends had a right to know who he truly was. He promised himself he’d tell everyone eventually. Why not now?

The pang of regret came the second the words left his mouth, just as he knew it would. ‘This is it. There is no redemption for what I did, and I deserve no forgiveness. Fjord will surely tell the others. How could he not? Jester and Caduceus, who both love their parents, will rage. Veth and Beau will come to their senses and agree with them. At least, here on this boat, they will not make me leave for a little while. That is, unless I’m asked to walk the plank. Will they want me dead? I can’t say I’d blame them if they did. Veth wouldn’t, though. Perhaps they would spare me for her sake. Perhaps-’

“You are a good friend,” Fjord said. Caleb looked up from the sea to meet his friend’s eyes. There was no anger in them, only concern. “I know you’ve done terrible things, but I see a good man.” Caleb wanted to thank him and hit him all at once. 

‘What is he thinking? How can he know and not hate me. He isn’t even asking why. How is he not asking why? Why would I do that? Why would anyone do that?’ Caleb decided not to argue with Fjord’s incomprehensible decision to forgive him of his sins. It did nothing to change Beau or Veth’s opinion, so why would he be any different? 

“These people, your people, have we even scratched the surface of what they can do?” Fjord asked. Caleb looked away as he put a hand on his shoulder. “Do we even know ten percent of the things he did to you?”

Caleb laughed dryly. “It is funny. Jester said something similar before. She seems to think that sharing my past with you all will help me in some way. Apparently, I have been challenged to tell everyone in the Mighty Nein one thing about my past that no one else knows.”

“Don’t feel the need to do that. You should share when you are ready to, though I do agree that it would probably help for you to talk about it more.”

“If you truly believe that, then I am surprised I’ve heard no stories from your childhood. After all, it’s hard to imagine a place named ‘Driftwood Asylum’ doesn’t have its own ethical issues.”

Fjord laughed. “Yeah, that’s… That’s accurate. How about we both tell each other something from our pasts? Only if you are willing, of course.”

Caleb thought for a moment. He truly did want to learn more about his companions, and talking to Jester did provide its own sense of comfort. “I am willing, but you have to go first.”

“Fair.” He thought for a moment, staring out into the endless sea. “The orphanage wasn’t as well funded as it probably should have been. Our bare necessities were met for the most part, but that was about it. I didn’t know at the time, but thinking back I’m almost certain that’s why they eventually started to make us… compete, I guess is the best word. Every day, the ten worst behaved kids would lose their meal privileges for the next day.”

Caleb nodded. “I wish I could be surprised by that, but I can see their logic. It’s sick. I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

“No, no. It’s fine. I learned to work around it eventually. I, um…” He cleared his throat. “I used to get picked a lot. I don’t know if it was because the other kids would tell on me more or the adults just paid more attention to me since I’m a half-orc.”

“They wouldn’t just not feed you for days, right?”

“They’d never give it to a kid two days in a row. They weren’t that cruel. Still, I remember once I almost got it every other day for a month. The other kids would joke about how I always got picked but still managed to get chubby.”

“That makes sense, actually, in a weird way. Sometimes the body will hold onto whatever fat it can when it doesn’t trust it’ll have a stable supply of food.”

“Huh… Interesting. I guess that explains why I actually started to lose weight when I started hoarding.” He laughed. “That kinda turned into a nasty habit. Vandran had to help me stop.”

Caleb awkwardly put his hand on Fjord’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. I’m sure that was very hard. It’s not fair to stick kids against each other, make them fight for their right to get basic necessities.”

“Well, I’m sure Ikithon has his own share of cruelty.” Fjord turned around and leaned his back against the railing.

“Ah…”

“You don’t have to go if you don’t want to. You already shared a lot tonight. I just… I think it would be good for you. I actually feel much better after that.”

“Well, I would hate to go back on a promise, ja? And it is not as if I do not have plenty of stories to tell. My old master… he also liked to justify his punishments, just in a different way. They would always reflect a consequence that might come from failing the same way in a dangerous situation.”

“So, it was like roleplaying?”

“In a way. As I told Jester the other day, he liked training to be as immersive as possible. The world is cruel, so he would need to be just as cruel in order to prepare us. Of course, I’ve come to find since then that very few things in the world are as cruel as his training was.” He sighed and started to rub his arms. “Later in the training, he began to set up fake stealth missions. We had to get in and out from behind ‘enemy lines’ whilst avoiding traps and ‘guards’. If we were caught… Well, it depends on the mission. Sometimes, we would get hurt to the point where we were on the verge of death, then healed at the last minute. That was only for big mistakes. More often, we would be knocked unconscious and wake up in a cell. I knew it was only another room in Trent’s home, but it still felt quite unnerving.”

“He wouldn’t… fake torture you or anything, right?”

“Most of the time, no. However, when he did feel we had failed badly enough…” Caleb smiled coldly. “There was nothing fake about it.”

“That’s awful. Completely awful.”

“We had to learn how to hold out tongues under pressure, I supposed. Though, I must admit, even on those awful days, those were never the worst parts. For the whole twenty hour hours we would be held, we’d be completely alone. No bed, no meals, just… nothing.”

“That’s just sick. At that point he wasn’t even trying to hide the cruelty. He claimed to be training you, but would waste an entire day with punishment?”

“No, actually. The only break in the immersion was that we still had to do our spell work.” 

Fjord scowled, his grip tightening on the railing behind him. “I keep thinking I couldn’t possibly hate him anymore, and he keeps getting worse.” Caleb nodded, eyes drifting towards the ground in thought. “Out of curiosity, did you know what you were being trained for at the time?”

“No, not at first. In the beginning, the training was simply a more personal version of what we were already experiencing at the academy. Things gradually got more… intense. So gradually that we didn’t realize what was happening until we were already in so deep that we were okay with it.”

“Did you ever say no?”

“I... We knew that whatever he asked of us was what was best for the Empire. We would never go against the needs of the Empire.” Caleb’s nails started to dig into his forearms.

“Okay, let’s not do that.” Fjord gently took Caleb’s hands and moved them to his sides. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked that. It wasn’t your fault. I don’t blame you for any of the things you did.”

“That makes one of us.”

Fjord gave him a weak smile and patted him on the shoulder. “It must’ve been very hard to leave, break through all of that brainwashing. To believe something so thoroughly only to later learn it was all a lie, that must have hurt.”

He nodded. “Everything felt… pointless afterwards. My purpose in life had been to serve the Empire with everything I had, my mind, my body, my… everything. I felt like I needed something to fill in that whole or I would collapse in on myself.”

“Do you still feel that way?”

“No, I… I have a new purpose with this group. I will not lie, after returning the Beacon to the Bright Queen, I felt a drive I hadn’t felt since my training. This is different, though. I am choosing my purpose this time instead of blindly following a path laid in front of me. It… brings me hope.”

“I’m happy to hear that.” Fjord looked as if he was about to say something else when he looked over Caleb’s shoulder.

“Tea?” Beau ran up and more or less forced a cup of hot tea into each of their hands. “I didn’t, like, ruin a moment or anything, right?”

“No, you are alright. Thank you.” Caleb took a sip of the tea, surprised to find that his heart felt lighter than normal, as if a weight had been lifted off it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed this. Next up is Yasha.


	3. Yasha Nydoorin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yasha finds Caleb on deck having a panic attack after Fjord's 'death'. She tries to comfort him, but it doesn't go as planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Panic attacks, mention of throwing up, aftermath of child abuse, discussion of executions.  
> This is for the Bad Things Happen Bingo Prompt: Grabbed by the Hair

Yasha awoke on the fourth day of the Mighty Nein’s voyage just as the sun began to take its place fully in the sky. This surprised her, given the events of the previous night. If their impromptu midnight battle wasn’t enough to exhaust her, surely the near death of their dear friend and captain should have. She scanned the sleeping bodies of her friends and noticed that Caleb was nowhere to be seen. That meant the dome had fallen. Surely Caleb wouldn’t let that happen now without good reason. Quickly putting on her armor and picking up her weapons, she made her way up onto the deck in search of him.

Sure enough, she found him sitting against the railing. His messy ginger hair covered his face, preventing her from getting a good look at his expression, but the way he hugged himself, knees up against his chest, was enough to let her know something was wrong. “Caleb? Are you alright?” As she got closer, she could hear his breathing, fast and irregular. She knelt down next to him.

“Yasha?” His voice was barely audible.

“You’re alright.” Unsure of what to do, she thought back to when they first arrived in Rexxentrum. Veth had pet his head. He calmed down after that, not completely but at least enough to function. That’s all she needed right now. They’d figure everything else out later.

When she went to touch his hair, his hand shot up to grab hers. She pulled away as his grip started to burn. “Don’t touch me!” She could see his face now. His eyes were the only thing that betrayed his otherwise stoic expression.

“Okay, okay.” She held her arms up over her head. “No more touching.”

He nodded and dropped his fire spell. “Sorry.” He took a deep breath. “I’m sorry. Did I hurt you?”

“No, no.” She covered her wrist, sure a burn mark must be forming. “Just, take a few deep breaths, okay? I don’t think anyone else is awake.”

He leaned once more and did as instructed. Yasha took this time to check her wrist - The burn was very minor. If it posed a problem later, she could just go to Caduceus or Jester later. - before returning her gaze to her friend. She’d known her interpersonal skill lacked in some areas, but that had gone terribly. Perhaps she should go to Caduceus whether or not the burn became problematic and ask for advice.

* * *

“Thank you.” Caleb stared at his hands as he spoke. He couldn’t take his mind off the fact that he just hurt his friend, a friend that was offering comfort he didn’t even deserve.

“No problem. I just… what happened? Are you okay?” Yasha was sitting next to him a good five feet away. He couldn’t tell if that was for his benefit or hers.

“Ja, I… Ja. I am sorry I left the dome. I thought that it would be better to avoid waking everyone than stay to preserve a safety measure that was more for the group’s comfort than anything else. I find it unlikely that we will be attacked again the same night…. I, ah, also threw up. I figured the group would rather not have to tolerate that smell for the remainder of their rest.”

“Are you feeling sick again?”

“No, it was just a panic attack. I’m fine now, thank you.”

“What made you panic? Was it Fjord?”

“In a way. I… I am working on something. It would have been perfect to test out for the first time here, but I am not ready. I could have prevented this if it had been finished.”

“There’s lots of things we could’ve done that would’ve prevented this. Someone could’ve thought of using the dome this entire time. You might have been able to stop this, but so could I. I wouldn’t worry about thinking about what you should have done, because you don’t really know what you should do until it’s over. It’s not fair to hold your past to that.”

He nodded and risked looking back at her. “Thank you, Yasha. That… helps.” 

She reached to put a hand on his shoulder before stopping. “Can I…?”

He flinched as if she had burned him this time. “Ja, you can touch me.” She did so. The gesture couldn’t bring as much comfort as it potentially should have without the awkward pause, but he still appreciated it.

“Is there anything I should know so I can help you better next time? I don’t want that to happen again.”

‘Next time… Ja, there probably will be a next time. We both know it.’ “Ask before you touch me, especially if you are going to touch me on the head.”

“But, I’ve seen Veth do that for you. It looked like it helped.”

“It did, but Veth is an exception, as long as I am not so out of it that I fail to recognize her.”

“Okay. I’ll remember that. Is it okay if I do it now.” Caleb felt himself stiffen before nodding. She slowly reached over and began to run her fingers through her hair. He relaxed for a moment before memories infested his head.

_ “You need to watch, Bren. You will be used to the sight eventually. Revel in it. Every death is another step towards protecting the Empire.” _

Yasha pulled her hand back with a frown. “I made it worse. I’m sorry.”

“No, no. I am fine.” He took the time to control his breathing, stifling another panic attack. ‘Maybe I should tell her.’ Caleb found the thought so shocking that he almost flinched away from it. ‘Why would I do that? They all know what they need to know. They will gain nothing from learning specifics.’

“If you want me to leave you alone, I will, but you don’t look okay. You don’t need to lie to me.”

“I’m not…” ‘Mist, I’m actually going to do this.’ “I was just… you doing that reminded me of something. It’s not your fault, I know you were trying to help. Thank you for that. I… It reminded me of the first execution I saw.” Yasha must have tried to hide her surprise, but the way her eyes widened and mouth fell open slightly gave it away. ‘Why did I do that? I should never talk about this. No sane person would be telling people this.’

“You don’t need to tell me if you don’t want to.”

“No, I do.” ‘No, I don’t! What am I doing?’ “Everything in my training was a gradual escalation from one thing to a worse thing to a worse thing. One step was watching as traitors to the Empire were executed. We would watch from the other side of the room, Astrid, Eadwolf, and I, as they were killed. Some people asked about us, asked why kids were watching this. Most of them just asked to be spared, apologizing until they couldn’t anymore. I couldn’t bring myself to watch the first time. When I tried to look away, Trent grabbed my hair and forced my head to face forward. I wanted to close my eyes but didn’t want to find out what he would do to take that option from me. I…” The need to sob barely even register in Caleb’s mind until it became overwhelming, taking him all at once.

“Can I hug you?” He didn’t know how he could hear her over the cacophony of screams in his head, but he did and nodded in response. She pulled him against her chest. “It’s okay. It’s not your fault. You’re alright.” He desperately wanted to calm down but couldn’t figure out how. All he could do was listen to her kind words and accept the comfort until it grew stronger than the panic and guilt.

Eventually, he found the strength to pull back and wipe his eyes. She adjusted accordingly, keeping an arm and wing - ‘When did she take those out?’ - around him in a side hug. “Thank you. I was not expecting to get so emotional. If I had, I wouldn’t have done that.”

“No, it’s good that you do. I think it helped.”

“Ja… Ja, it did.” He leaned into her and rested his head against her shoulder. “I learned to block out the screams eventually. That helped a lot when it became my turn to do the executing. It didn’t feel much different than watching. My body would move on its own, in a way. I was a passive presence in my own skin.”

“I can relate to that. It isn’t a good feeling.”

He shook his head. “No, I didn’t mean… I’m sorry, that was rude. I was not actually controlled as you were. It is not a fair comparison to make.”

“You think so? I’m not sure you weren’t controlled in your own way. Yes, you could control your body or say no, but he’d just spend a year brainwashing you. You said that you tried to look away and he wouldn’t let you. Those people would’ve died whether you did it or not. He would have made you whether you wanted to or not.”

“But I did want to.”

“Because he tricked you into thinking that was what was best for the Empire. He tortured and brainwashed you. I know you won’t listen to me right now, but I don’t think anyone has a right to blame you for anything he had you do. The important thing is that you are not controlled by him anymore. You’ve been doing a lot of good things since then.”

“I wouldn’t say that I am completely out of his control. Look at how I behaved in Rexxentrum. Look at how I behaved tonight when you touched my hair.”

“You were scared. Anyone would be after everything you’ve been through. Nothing that happened was your fault, then and now.” Caleb fiddled with the end of his ponytail for a moment before standing up. “Wait-”

“Thank you for your time, Yasha. I am behind on my homework, so I will go work on that. I will see you when the others have woken up.” He left before she could reply. ‘She doesn’t get it. None of them do.’

* * *

Jester found Yasha below deck at around noon. “Hi!”

She looked up from her book and waved. “Hello. Do you need something?”

“Nah, I just wanted to see you.” She took a seat next to her. Upon closer inspection, Yasha was flipping through her collection of flowers. “Are you sad?”

“No, I’m just thinking is all… Have you talked to Caleb since what happened when he was sick.”

Jester didn’t need her to specify what thing she was talking about. “He told me about it, but it’s kinda personal, you know? I don’t want to tell you ‘cause I don’t think he wants to.”

“Good, good. I wouldn’t want you to. I just want him to be okay. I talked to him about Fjord’s almost-death and I thought it was going well, but then he stormed off in the end.”

“Does he think it’s his fault, ‘cause that’s stupid. We were all asleep.”

“He said he is working on something that could have stopped it, but it’s not ready yet. He was really upset when I found him. I tried to help but just made it worse.”

“What did you do?”

“I tried to pet his hair like Veth does sometimes. He just got scared. You shouldn’t touch his hair, by the way. He doesn’t like anyone but Veth doing it.”

She pouted. “Aw! But it looks so soft now that it’s not greasy all the time.”

“Well, you can ask first, but-”

“I’m kidding. It’s fine. I can respect boundaries if I need to. Especially for Caleb, since he doesn’t really trust us yet. I mean, he trusts us in a fight and doesn’t think we’ll kill him I don’t think, but he doesn’t trust us with his past and stuff.”

“I wish he did, or at least believe us when we tell him it’s not his fault. He told me a little bit today. I tried not to act surprised so he wouldn’t get scared off. He needs someone to talk to about this stuff. I don’t think he’ll tell me everything, but I still want to help him as much as I can.”

“Me too. He doesn’t deserve to be sad all the time.” Yasha nodded. She knew it would take a while for him to actually believe them when they try to comfort him, especially since he had spent sixteen years telling himself he doesn’t deserve it.. At least he had people around to help. With that, anyone can heal given enough time. His day will come, and she planned to be there when it did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. This one didn't end as well for poor Caleb, but he's still struggling a lot when it comes to accepting affection. The next chapter will be Veth.


	4. Veth Brenotto

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Veth and Caleb discuss love, both real and fake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Hopelessness, past love bombing, past abuse, self hatred  
> For the Band Things Happen Bingo prompt Faux-Affectionate Villain.

Veth didn’t show up for lunch on their seventh day at sea. Of course, that could mean many things. She could have been taking a nap. Maybe she was just not feeling hungry. Or, she could be dying right now and none of them had any idea. Caleb didn’t want to take any chances. He politely excused himself from the group and made his way to Veth’s room.

He found her sprawled out on her hammock, fiddling with her button necklace. “Hallo. Are you okay?”

Veth startled at the sound. Failing to keep her balance, she fell onto the ground as the hammock twisted. “I’m fine!” Before Caleb could react, she stood up and flashed him a grin. “What’s up?”

“I apologize for scaring you. I just wanted to make sure you are okay because you were not at lunch.”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I was just… thinking.”

He glanced down at her necklace. “About your family, I assume?” She nodded. “Do you wish to talk about it?”

She shrugged. “There isn’t anything to say. I just miss them.”

“Well, you just recently got them back properly, ja? It makes sense that you would feel this way. I am working on a couple of things that could help you see them more while traveling with us, but, ah, it is a lot of homework. Just know that this isn’t forever. You may even retire someday and be able to be with them all the time.”

“Wait, you’re making more stuff for me? You just spent months inventing a spell to make me who I am again. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for everything, but you have things you want to do, too. Don’t focus on me for a while.”

“The group is my main priority at the moment, and as part of that I want to help everyone. The spells I’m working on aren’t only for your benefit, so don’t feel bad. You should not feel guilty either way. I am alive because of you, so I will repay that in any way I can.”

“You don’t owe me anything. We’re a team, saving each other is what we do. I know you have all these ambitions, but I hope you’re still gonna be around when I do retire. You’re part of my family, too.”

“Retire…” He laughed before sitting down on the hammock. “I find it hard to imagine myself truly retiring, at least not in the manner you are likely imagining. My life is my ambitions. Anything outside of that is quite foreign to me.” ‘I do not deserve anything outside of my ambitions.’ He did not say that last part out loud, but based on Veth’s momentary look of concern, she heard it nevertheless.

She forced a smile. “Well, you’re going to whether you can imagine it or not. Maybe you can live nearby so we can visit you a lot. I don’t think you’d like Felderwin all that much, but I’m not sure we’ll be going back there anyway. You’re still my boy, so don’t think I’ll be letting you go easily.”

“And I don’t plan on leaving you. It is only...If I am honest, I am very overwhelmed by the thought of living past the next few years. It is far beyond what I had imagined for myself before.”

Veth crawled up next to him on the hammock and pulled him into a hug. “Don’t say things like that. You’re gonna live until you’re super old and you’re gonna be super powerful and we’ll all still be friends and everything will be better.”

“I-” He took a second to calm himself before finally leaning into the hug. “Thank you.”

“You’re still not all good at accepting affection, but that’s okay. That’s another thing that will get better.”

“I certainly hope so.” He pulled out of her grasp and began fiddling with his coat sleeves. “I ran away from Yasha before when she was trying to help me. I feel a little bad about it.”

“You shouldn’t. She’s probably more worried than mad. Just… talk to her on your own terms. I think that would help.”

He nodded but still couldn’t bring himself to make eye contact again. “Do you remember when I told you all about how Trend used to be kind to us after being cruel?”

“Wha- Yeah. I didn’t really get it, but yeah.” The words stumbling out of her mouth, likely out of shock. Caleb, too, was surprised by his sudden willingness to talk about his old master.

“Once time, I fell asleep while doing my spellwork and was not able to finish in time. I had had a minor headache all week, so that was just one mistake of many that week. Looking back, I assume Trent had also not had the best week, because the punishment I received was much harsher than I had expected given my prior, ah, experiences with him.”

“What did he do?”

“He… That is not important to the story.”

“But-”

“Afterwards, I was forced to stay in my room, no visitors allowed. Trent came to see me once I finally caught up on my homework. He apologized and gave me a hug. He even offered to help heal my injuries.” He shivered. “That is just one example of many. He… comforted me in the aftermath of pain he caused. And I was thankful for it. As Yasha said, it was confusing. I loved him, and believed he loved me back. Maybe he did in his own way. It makes me sick now. I feel the need to bathe just thinking about it.”

“Does me hugging you remind you of-”

“Nein. I don’t think so. I just struggle to see it as genuine, I supposed. For years, comfort was used as a power move. I do not think that is what anyone here is doing, but it still feels fake to me, like it is done out of obligation or for something in return later.”

“Do you do things for us because you feel like you have to or because you want something?”

“Most of the time, no, but-”

“Do you think you don’t deserve things like we do?”

He sighed. “You know the answer to that, my friend.”

“I just want you to be happy. That’s all. I know you’re not going to stop thinking like that for a while, but it’s true. I love you, and you deserve to know that.” He nodded. “Do you want a hug, or would that make this worse?”

Slowly, Caleb wrapped his arms around her. She did the same, squeezing as tightly as she could. “Danke…” His mind desperately fought to pull away, but his body refused. He needed this. He had needed this for a long time. Even as his skin began to itch, he could feel his heart get lighter. That was the priority right now.

Good things couldn’t last forever, so eventually he was forced to give into his mind's whims. He pulled away. “Now, you said there’s lunch, right?”

“Oh!” Caleb got up too quickly, causing the hammock to rock again. Luckily, he caught Veth before she face-planted on the ground for the second time that afternoon. “I’m sorry. It seems I got distracted.”

“That’s fine. Hey, how do you feel about bringing lunch down here and just eating one on one?”

He smiled. “That sounds good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Sorry this one was shorter than the other chapters. I didn't want to force other stuff in here just to make it longer, so this is what I ended up with. I hope you liked it. Based on the subject matter, I think the next one will be much longer. That one will be with Beauregard.


	5. Beauregard Lionett

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beau and Caleb have a conversation about each other's love lives that takes a dark turn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Past rape/non-con (no details are given), panic attacks, flashbacks, throwing up, victim blames themself.  
> This is for the Bad Things Happen Bingo prompt Non-Consensual Touching

Beau loved the sitting area on the first floor below deck, not because of anything specific about the room, but because no one was ever there. Everyone preferred the deck. That made it the perfect spot to meditate. She almost laughed at the thought of past her’s unjustifiable hatred towards the activity.

She entered the room at around noon and… Caleb and Yasha are here?  _ Hugging _ ? Caleb must have heard her open the door because he pulled away almost immediately. “Am I interrupting something?” Beau asked.

“No. I think we’re done,” Yasha said.

He nodded. “Ja. Thank you for talking with me.”

“Of course.” She smiled before walking out the door, giving Beau a quick wave on her way out. 

Caleb visibly relaxed, slouching shoulders slightly and letting out a deep breath. “You alright, man?” Beau asked.

“We were talking about something that happened a few days ago. She… helped me and I didn’t react well. We’re okay now.”

“Good.” She sat down and patted the seat next to her. “Come on. I feel like I haven’t talked to you in forever.”

“Oh, okay.” He took a seat and began awkwardly fidgeting with the end of his coat sleeve.

“What? You reach your ‘talking to people’ quota for the day?”

“No. Is there something you wish to speak about?”

“Not really. It’s just weird how you’re able to, you know, be vulnerable like that. First you pretend you need to rest for me, now you’re talking to people about your emotions _ on purpose _ ?”

“Well, that conversation would not have been necessary had I been willing to talk about my emotions before, but I see your point. I’m trying to be better with that sort of thing.”

“That’s better than I’ve ever done. I just kinda do my thing until someone calls me out and makes me talk about it. I don’t know, just randomly bringing shit up feels too… intimate.”

He smirks. “Says the person who takes every chance she can get to be  _ intimate  _ with people through our travels.”

“Okay, first of all, I get to sleep with whoever the fuck I want-”

“No judgment.”

“Second, that’s a kind of intimate I’m here for. Doesn’t have the same kind of baggage, especially if I never have to see them again.”

“Do you not have any interest in romance, then? Again, no judgment if you do not.”

“Good, ‘cause if you did get all judgey, I’d throw you through that fucking wall.”

He laughed. “I’m sure you could.”

She sighed and bit her lip. “Romance is kinda weird for me. Has been since… you know.” He nodded. “I’m not against it, but I’m certainly not gonna run around seeking it out. How about you?”

“I feel very similarly, though I am also not interested in seeking sexual intimacy.”

“You ace, then?”

“No, I don’t think so. I still…” He blushed. “I have my fantasies, but I’m not particularly interested in acting any of them out at the moment.”

“Have you ever? Acted them out, I mean?” He raised an eyebrow at her. “I’m not asking for details. As a matter of fact, please do not give me  _ any  _ details. I’m just curious.”

“Not since I was a teenager, no.”

“Wow, still haven’t moved on from your first girlfriend, huh?” She elbowed him playfully. “Don’t worry, I can always help you find a girl if you’re ever interested.”

He stared at her for a moment before shaking his head. “No, I did not mean…”

She gasped. “Wait, did you mean Eadwulf, then? I could find you some dudes as well if you’re into that. I’m not as experienced with finding good men, but I sure as well know how to spot the bad ones.”

“No, no, I… Thank you for offering, but no. I was not…” The smile fell from her face as she noticed his grave expression.

“Fuck. Sorry, I was being an ass. You just said you aren’t interested right now and I… sorry.”

“It’s not your fault. It’s just… it was with a stranger as part of my training.”

“Part of…” She sat up straighter and looked him right in the eyes. “What are you talking about?”

“With Trent. I don’t understand what-”

“I know you’re talking about Trent. I just wanna know what the fuck sleeping with someone had to do with that.”

“Well…” He started fidgeting with his sleeve again. “We were meant to use everything we had and every means at our disposal to achieve the goals of the empire. Sexuality is a very useful tool.”

“And you were, what, sixteen when this happened?” He nodded. She wanted to throw up. It took all her willpower to not puke everything she’d eaten that day all over the floor. ‘Useful tool… He called it a useful fucking tool.’

“It was not dissimilar to the rest of our training. I did not exactly find it pleasant, but I don’t-”

“You…” She looked closer at his mannerisms. His rigid posture. The way his hand shook as he held his sleeve in a deathgrip. ‘He’s terrified. Downright, fucking terrified.’ Every nerve in her body screamed for her to punch everything. Punch the wall. Punch the chair. Run back to Rexxentrum and punch Trent. Punch Caleb for somehow managing to keep his voice so goddamn calm right now. “What exactly did he make you do?”

“You said you didn’t want details.”

“Goddamn it, Caleb!” He flinched. “Do you even hear yourself right now!? You literally just told me that you, a sixteen year old kid, were told to give up for sexual consent for the sake for the Empire. Do you think that’s normal? Did you think I’d not care? Why-” Tears began streaming down his face. His whole body shook as his breathing got heavier and faster. “Shit. Shit. I’m... I didn’t…” ‘What the fuck is wrong with me?’

“I’m… I don’t…”

‘Fuck! What the fuck am I supposed to do?’ “You’re alright. Sorry for yelling. I’m not mad at you just… Try to breathe slower, okay?”

He nodded. She could hear him mumbling. “Chair…. Floor… Beau…” She didn’t know what he was doing, but figured Caleb knew how to calm himself down better than she did.

“I’ll go get you some water. Will that help?” He nodded. That was all she needed before she took off.

‘What do I do? I can’t deal with this. The first thing I did was start yelling at him. Caduceus would be way better. He always knows how to help with this kinda thing. Jester would be good, too. Her mom works in the sex industry, there’s no way she didn’t get some great talks about sex and consent. She probably knows exactly how to help with this.’

She made it to the kitchen. “Hey,” Caduceus said. He was facing away from her cooking whatever they’d be having for lunch later. ‘He’s right there. If I tell him Caleb needs help, he’ll take over for me no questions asked. But…’

“I can’t talk right now.” She pulled out a cup and filled it with some of their clean water. ‘I can’t tell anyone. There’s no way Caleb would ever be able to trust me again after that.’

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“I’ll be fine. Maybe just make some calming tea later. We might need it.”

* * *

_ Eadwulf was always the rock. Always. Whenever Bren or Astrid were upset, he’d be the one they went to, always calm and ready to help. So why was he the one crying in Bren’s arms now? “I don’t…” he said. “I don’t want to do that. I can’t. I’m… I…” _

_ Bren did his best to comfort him, though he’d never had much practice. Still, he’d been comforted before. He at least had some idea of what to do. Pat their back. Give them a hug. Listen. None of that was doing much to calm his friend down. “It will get easier. Everything we’re taught gets easier with practice.” _

_ “It’s not that it’s hard. I just don’t want to. I can’t… It’s horrible.” _

_ “I know you are upset. I am not very interested either, but this has never been about what we want. We are tools for the Empire. Everything we do is for the greater good. Remember that.” _

“Woah, Caleb!” Caleb came back to reality as Beau helped him back into a sitting position. He leaned against the chair. When did he get off the chair? He stared at the puke that now covered the floor in front of him. When did he do that? “You’re alright, man. You’re okay.”

“I told him he had to. I-” He started sobbing. “I… He…”

“Can I hug you?” He nodded wildly. She wasted no time before pulling him against her chest. “You’re okay now. Whatever happened, it’s all in the past.” ‘No it isn’t. Eadwulf and Astrid are still with him. So many people are with him. So many kids.’ “Come on. What was the thing you were doing earlier? With the chair and floor and whatever?”

“Um…” He pulled away from her and began doing the exercise Caduceus taught him. Five things he can see, four he can hear, ect. The sobs finally came to an end, leaving him exhausted.

“Okay, um… We need to talk about this right? Or are you tired? I don’t know what I’m doing. Do you want to talk about it?”

“Nein! No, please. Not now. I can’t.”

“Okay, okay. You don’t need to tell me what happened. I’m just worried about you now. This is a lot, and extremely fucked up. You know that was all fucked up, right?”

“Ja, I… Ja.”

“Good, because consent is super important and… God, I should like a sex-ed teacher. Jester would be way better at this.”

“Don’t tell her!” Caleb didn’t mean to yell, but the deep terror that ran through his bones about letting another person know about this force it out.

“Course, it’s your call. But, you aren’t embarrassed, right?” He slouched in on himself more and looked at the floor willing himself to disappear. “No, that’s bullshit. You shouldn’t feel embarrased or ashamed or anything about whatever the fuck Trent did to you or made you do. None of that was your fault. None of it.”

He thought back to Eadwulf crying, to Astrid sadly pulling away from his affectionate touches over time. “You don’t understand.”

He expected more yelling. More telling him it’s not his fault and he’s stupid for thinking it is. Instead, she sighed. “I’m not convincing you in one conversation. You were with him longer than you’ve been with us. I can’t just undo that shit. I want to, but I can’t… Alright, I need to say one more thing, then I’m not gonna make you talk about it any more today. Okay?” He nodded. “No matter what happens, you should never ever need to do anything sexual, even kissing and shit like that, unless you want to.  _ Never _ . If anyone says otherwise, including anyone on this ship, I will beat them the fuck up, you hear me?”

“I encouraged Fjord with Avantika.”

“Okay, I agree that in light of this conversation, that was fucked up on all our parts, but that’s not your fault either. Of course going through traumatic shit is gonna give you a messed up perspective on some things. The point is, anyone who tries to make you do anything you don’t want to do is gonna get their ass beat. That’s all I’m trying to say.”

“Thank you.”

“Yeah.” She picked up the glass of water she brought down for him. “Now drink this. You probably want to get the taste out of your mouth, anyway.”

He nodded and took the glass. The two of them sat together in a peaceful silence for who knows how long. He fought against his mind as it tried to wander towards dark places, reminding himself of Beau’s company. ‘Everything is fine. The past is in the past.’

“Good- ...Oh.” Caleb and Beau both stood up far too fast as Caduceus opened the door. “I came to tell you that lunch is ready with the requested tea, but it seems there are other issues. Are you both alright?”

Caleb’s vision clouded, likely from the rush of standing when he already felt exhausted. Beau caught him before he could stumble. “It’s fine,” she said. “I’ll clean this up in a bit.”

“No need. I can take care of this easily. You just make sure Caleb is alright.”

“Thanks, man.” She escorted him out of the room and into the hallway.

“I want to go to my room, if that’s alright with you. I’m… not sure I could eat right now.”

“Right. You’re not gonna do anything, though, right?”

He didn’t need to ask her what she meant by anything. “I only need to think.”

“Then go ahead. I won’t tell anyone anything.” She went up stairs.

He slowly made his way to his room and collapsed down on his hammock. The tears began to flow again soon after. He laid there crying, fighting the urge to scratch his skin, before eventually falling asleep.

* * *

As soon as the door to Caleb’s room closed, Beau let out a deep breath and let herself fall against the wall. ‘Holy shit. Holy fucking shit.’ She never dealt with this sort of thing. That was Caduceus’s job, or Jester’s if they were desperate. Never her. She could barely deal with her own emotional baggage. How was she supposed to help someone process theirs?

“I’ve finished cleaning the room.” Beau flinched as the voice ripped her from her thoughts. “Are you okay?” Caduceus asked, stepping in front of her.

“Yeah, I’m fine. It’s him I’m worried about.” She pointed at Caleb’s door.

“Will he be joining us for lunch?”

She laughed. “We’ll be lucky if he comes out for breakfast tomorrow.” He nodded. “Hey, do you have any tips for helping people when they’re… you know, coming to terms with traumatic shit.”

“I’m not a trauma counselor, but I have spoken to many people in grief. The most important part is letting the person speak their truth as well as they can and show that you are listening. I’m sure trauma complicates matters, and Caleb has many complicated horrors in his past, but the basics should still apply.”

“Yeah, I tried that and it didn’t do much. He’s… I’m not gonna tell you what just happened ‘cause he’d kill me if I did, but it’s  _ bad _ .”

“I’m sure.” His eyes softened and his voice came out just above a whisper. “As I said, many complicated horrors, most of which I know nothing about. Still, you’re right not to tell me. That’s his choice.”

“I know, I know, but I don’t think we can just leave it up to him to bring it up. He’s… you didn’t see him earlier.”

“You’re right. I get why you want to just sit him down and fix all of this. Believe me, if there were a spell that could make him better, I wouldn’t hesitate to use it, but the mind is complicated. We’ll step in and course correct if we have to, but for the most part Caleb is the one in control of his fate.”

She sighed. “Well, you know this shit better than I do. I’d still feel a lot better if you talk to him tomorrow, make sure he’s alright.”

“That I can do.” He nodded to the stairs leading to the deck. “Come on. You look like you could use some tea.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, this was hard to write. I'm very sorry about this. I really didn't mean to go this dark when I first thought of this idea. I'd seen people talk about the idea that Caleb was sexually abused in some way during his training, but I was always like "that's a fine headcanon, but Caleb's got enough trauma in his life. There's no need to add to it." Then Liam HAD to directed say that Caleb was trained to use any means, including sexual means, to achieve the goals of the Empire. Are. You. Kidding. Me? So of course, I have to write about it now. Granted, we don't know if any actual rape happened, but just being told "hey, your consent doesn't matter. If the Empire needs you to have sex, you should have sex," is incredibly harmful.  
> I debated between whether or not this should be the last chapter or the second to last a lot. On one hand, this is the darkest chapter for this story. On the other, there's no way to resolve something like this in a single day, so there's no not-super-depressing ending to give it. I didn't want the last chapter to end so unsatisfyingly.  
> The next chapter will center around Caduceus and we'll get one last reason to hate Trent Ikithon more than we already do. This will not be the last time I'm talking about Caleb's very dark sexual history, though. I'm planning to write a one shot in the future that takes place after this story at some nebulous point where this aspect of Caleb's past will be explored much more thoroughly and I'll give more details about what exactly happened to our poor wizard in this canon-adjacent timeline my Bad Things Happen Bingo stories take place in. Until then, I hope the next chapter will at least make us feel a little bit better about this.


	6. Caduceus Clay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caleb couldn't sleep after his conversation with Beau. After a trip full of emotional conversations and glances into the past, Caleb struggles to put himself back in the present. Perhaps Caduceus can help with that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Insomnia, flashbacks, past child abuse, allusion to past torture, internalized victim blaming, PTSD. This is also the aftermath of the last chapter. While this chapter doesn't reference any of the rape/non-con elements present there, the impact of that conversation is still heavily affecting Caleb now.  
> This chapter was written for the Bad Things Happen Bingo prompt Be Careful What You Wish For

‘I should go to sleep soon,’ Caleb thought, just as he had every thirty minutes since midnight. Still, he could not bring himself to leave his work. 1am passed, then 3am. Now it was a little bit after 9am. His conversation with Beau came back every time he’d try to put down his spellwork. The nap he had the previous day helped stop the memories for a short while, but he knew he would not find solace in the oblivion of sleep for a while yet. At least, not without taking his mind off work and allowing it to wander all the places he couldn’t afford to let it go. He wouldn’t risk that.

He heard a knock on his door, reminding him that a world outside his work and his memories existed. “Ja?” He asked.

The door opened and Caduceus entered carrying a plate of eggs. “Good morning. I hoped I’d find you awake. You missed breakfast.”

“Ah.” Caleb accepted the plate and put it on his desk. “I am sorry, you did not have to do this.”

“Maybe not, but I wanted to. You missed lunch and dinner yesterday, so I wanted to make sure you ate something.” He picked up Caleb’s books off the table before he could react, placing them on the hammock.

“Thank you.” Caleb took a few bites. The food was bland, but he figured that was likely for the best. His stomach may not have been able to handle much at that moment. Caduceus sat next to the books as a silent, calming presence. Despite being far more perceptive that the average being, Caleb never got the impression that Caduceus was judging him. He simply noted behavior and moved on with his day. He was even kind enough not to bring up Caleb’s obvious lack of sleep.

“How are you feeling? I know you had a hard time yesterday.”

Caleb froze. “Beau… Beau didn’t tell you anything, correct?”

“No, but she said it was a difficult conversation for you.”

“Ja, it was.” He put his fork down and pushed the half finished meal away. “I hope I had not frightened her with my, ah, episode.”

“I don’t think there’s very much that would frighten her, but still, it can be scary to see someone you care about suffer. It is no one’s fault, especially not the one suffering. It’s just the reality we have to deal with. I’ve always found that it is easier for everyone if the one suffering accepts the help they need. Of course, I won’t ask you to tell me things you don’t wish to share, but I am willing to listen to whatever it is you need to say.”

‘Talk to people, share details of my past. That is all I have been doing this entire trip and look where it got me.’ “Thank you, but I would rather not think about it at all.”

“That is exactly how you make sure you will never truly be able to stop thinking about it.”

Caleb laughed. “Ja, I suppose that is true.” He turned his chair to face Caduceus. ‘He may as well get his turn.’ “What do you wish to know?”

“Whatever you want to tell me.”

He nodded. “I… hurt people. You know this, but it bears repeating. I. Hurt. People. Innocent people. I would do anything Trent asked me to. Perhaps everyone here is correct and I did not have complete free will, but that is only because I willingly surrendered it to that vile man. I let myself become a tool. I made that choice.”

“That may be true in some ways, but-”

“Nein!” Caleb abruptly stood from his chair, causing it to crash onto the ground. “You don’t get it. None of you do. I killed people tied to a chair begging to be spared. I tortured people as they screamed for hours until they could barely even whisper and kept going until they gave me the information Master needed or he told me to stop. I hurt people that I cared about, that I  _ loved _ , because he told me to. And I  _ wanted  _ to do it. None of that is excusable. It’s certainly not forgivable so stop trying to tell me it wasn’t my fault.”

Caduceus sat there with a neutral expression throughout the entire rant. Caleb wanted to force some kind of reaction out of the kind, naïve man in front of him. Instead, all he got was sympathy. “You are right,” Caduceus said. “None of us can understand what you went through. Only people who have had those experiences can emphasize completely. Yasha is the closest, but even then the differences are too huge to truly make the cases comparable. However, us not truly empathizing is not necessarily a bad thing. People are often blind to the truth of their own situation. While I cannot know what it felt like to be in your shoes, I can look at your situation, without your trauma and abuse, and give you a clear perspective.”

He shook his head. “Did you hear none of what I just said? I hurt people I care about. Why doesn’t that matter to you?”

“It matters to me to the extent that I see it affects you and I want to help. Otherwise, I know you are not the same person as you were then. You are a good person.”

‘I murdered my mother and father. My loving mother and father.’ If he could simply say that out loud, Caduceus would surely quit spouting that nonsense. He loves his family more than anything else. He would certainly take back every kind word he had ever given the disgusting human being in front of him. And yet, Caleb could not get the words out. Not while Caduceus looked up at him with such care and support in his eyes. Being the dirty, selfish man he was, he could not give this up. Not yet.

“I once tortured Astrid, the woman I loved, for no reason other than Trent ordered it,” Caleb said instead. Caduceus nodded, as if indicating for him to go on. “That’s it? No reaction at all?”

“I’m sure that you either had an understandable reason for doing so, or you regret these actions now and have grown into a better person over time. Either way, my opinion of you is not any lesser now.”

Caleb would have laughed if he weren’t dying inside at the same time. ‘Of course he would say that. Well, I may as well tell the story if I have already started.’ He picked his chair up off the ground and sat down in it. “Stress migraines were not, ah, uncommon during our training. There was a lot of pressure placed on us three, harsh consequences for failure. Most of the time, we were able to support one another, but one time Astrid was not so lucky. She fell noticeable behind on her work. Ma- … Trent was going to punish her. I tried to defend her, begged him not to hurt her. The training was still relatively new and I was so, so naïve.

“He looked back at me and said that what he did was not hurting us. He was helping us grow in strength. We should be grateful.” A brief scowl betrayed Caduceus’s kind expression for a moment before it corrected itself. “I apologized, but still said that Astrid did not deserve punishment. He… smiled, and told me he would not punish her that day. He then asked for the two of us to follow up.

“We ended up in an empty room. The door locked behind us. I heard him say ‘if you do not want me to cause her pain today, then perhaps you would like to do it for me.’ We… he said that he would not let us leave until I had caused Astrid enough pain. I… we sat there for hours until finally Astrid asked me to… asked me…” He wiped a tear from his eyes and took a shaky breath. “None of us tried to protect each other from punishments again, let’s leave it at that.”

“I know you likely don’t want to hear this,” Caduceus said, “but it still needs to be said. That was not your fault.”

Caleb nodded. “For once, I agree with that assessment. Still, I cannot get Astrid’s face out of my head whenever I think of this.”

“Then why did you tell this story and not one where you feel at fault? You seem to want me to feel angry with you.”

“I told you that I tortured a person I love. That should have been enough.” The logic made no sense. Caleb knew it. Caduceus certainly knew it. He was just tired and scared and needed someone to  _ understand _ .

“So you took something out of context to make me mad, despite knowing further explanation makes your actions reasonable?”

“I… Ja, that is accurate.”

“Why? Why do you want us to hate you?”

“I don’t. I… It’s hard. I want you to not hate me, but I know you should. Your forgiveness is… wrong. It feels like I’m lying to you, using you. It would hurt to lose you all, but I need it. I deserve your hatred.”

“Caleb…” Caduceus tentatively reached out to take his hand. Caleb accepted the simple comfort. “I don’t think anyone deserves anything. Sometimes, the world is better off if some wicked person is punished or if a good person is rewarded, but that is not a matter of deserving. Perhaps some people would look at your crimes and think you need punishments that fit those wrongdoings, but all I see in front of me is a person who is trying their best to be better. Why should I hate that person? Would it not be better for me to help that person along their journey to become their best self regardless of their past?

People are free to come to their own conclusions. If this group decides to accept you despite everything, then that is what we should do. You have the right to reject our acceptance, but it is our choice whether or not we offer it.”

Forgiveness. Acceptance. Two things he had denied himself for years, and his friends offered it to him freely. They would not turn him away. They would not abandon him. All he would have to do is let them in and embrace their kindness. And yet, “I… cannot. Not yet, anyway.”

Caduceus smiled. “Well, the offer stands.” He let go of Caleb’s hand and stood up. “I’m sure you would like to rest.”

“Ah, yes.” Caleb stood as well and the two of them moved Caleb’s books back onto the desk. “Thank you… For everything.” He sat down on the Hammock.

“It’s my pleasure. I’m proud of you, by the way. Sharing elements of your history you aren’t proud of is very difficult. It is a very important step towards finally being free from the past.”

Caleb smiled. “I suppose I have made many steps this trip. It is more tiring than I had imagined.”

“Then you should rest. Recovery is hard, but we will be here to help you.”

He nodded. He laid down on his back and-

_ Eadwulf was crying. A woman was with him, instructing him. He didn’t want this. Get off of me. GET. OFF. _

Without thinking, his hand shot out to grab the firbolg’s arm as he walked away. Caduceus turned around. “Yes?”

“Can… Can you stay?” Caleb felt like a child.

Caduceus smiled gently, without pity or judgement. “Of course, if that’s what you need.” He pulled the chair from his desk to right next to the hammock. “Would you like me to tell you a story.”

“Ja, mein Freund. Danke.” He closed his eyes and let his friend’s voice drown out his memories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, that was a lot. I'm proud of myself for finishing this and I hope you all liked it. My next story in this Bad Things Happen series will explore Caleb's sexual history and the trauma that came with it. I have a lot more prompts left and I only have solid ideas for some of them. I'm very open to suggestions if you have any. Here's the full list of prompts I have nothing planned for:   
> Get it Over With, Human Shield, Kind Restraints, Please Don’t Leave Me, Disowned by Family, Don’t You Dare Pity Me, Came Back Wrong, Cry into Chest, Electrocution, Taking the Blame, Buried in Rubble, Undeserved Reputation, Public Humiliation. Caught in a Storm, Confined to Bed Rest.  
> Thank you for reading! I hope you all have a great day!


End file.
